Totally Live Nude Jewel

I really, really couldn't wait to interview Jewel Shepard. Actually, it wasn't the interview so much as firing the opening question. Let me explain. During an earlier conversation, Shepard enlightened me that her past q & a sessions always opened with, "So, where are you from?" And she hated that. It hit me like a ton of bricks because that's usually my own introductory question. So I changed all that. Faithful readers who actually read my Rebecca Ferratti interview may recall the initial inquiry: "So, what's your favorite sandwich?" Ferratti totally loved it, and she relaxed into a congenial mode for the balance of the interview. Hence, I credit Shepard for the monumental improvement in my journalistic prowess. Naturally, I intended to reciprocate by first addressing her with The Jewel Question...

"Jewel Shepard, what is your favorite sandwich?" Her reply: "a Clint Eastwood-Kevin Costner sandwich with lots of mayo." Excuse me? "You know, Clint on one side, Kevin on the other and me as baloney in the middle." I felt so naive about asking Shepard for an explanation that I didn't even want to probe in to the mayonnaise.

Shepard matured from childhood to adolescence while traveling al over the country. So how did she end up in Los Angeles? "I wanted to marry Clark Gable," Shepard recalls. "When I arrived in L.A., the first place I went was Clark Gable's star on Hollywood Boulevard. I just figured out that's where I'd find him. So I knelt down and started stroking Clark's star, thinking that if I rubbed it hard enough, maybe he'd come. And that's when this bum shattered my whole dream by telling me that clark Gable was dead...had been for, like, 20 years."

"I had seen GONE WITH THE WIND so many times as a kid, I just assumed he was still alive. I figured I'd meet him at some wild party and, after he looked at me, he'd want to marry me. I was young and innocent, give me a break1 Looking back, I was in love with the Rhett Butler character, a strong and romantic man. Anyone who looked like Clark Gable would have fit the bill."

"I stayed wherever I could and worked at McDonald's in Hollywood. Everyone who worked there was trying to be an actor, although no one was making any progress or really knew what to do. Acting sounded like a good idea to me and I figured if all of these dopes were trying it, I'd probably be pretty good. What made it official, though, was getting fired early on for not being fast enough on the fry machine. I think they also realized how much I hated that goody uniform you have to wear. It wasn't revealing or anything."

"I asked everyone around how to become an actor, but no one really gave me any help. So I just looked up 'actors' in the phone book and got a listing for the Screen Actors Guild. I told the SAG operator that I wanted to be an actor, and she put me through to an assistant who asked if I had an agent. I said, 'No, what's an agent?,' and they sent me a list of agents to call. I called all the agents, and they wanted me to send in a resume and headshot. I didn't even know what that meant until someone clued me in. I had a real cheesy picture made and faked almost everything on my resumé. All those high school plays I wanted to be in became a reality. I actually did play Lady MacBeth. But, of course, if I played her today it would probably be in a wet T-shirt."

Trying to crack L.A.'s most competitive profession, Shepard spent the next three years without job offers. "Even the scum of Hollywood weren't returning my calls," she explains. "I started to realize that this acting thing wasn't as easy as I had imagined. Finally, I talked to someone at an agency who got me started as an extra, and I did that for a few more years. Needless to say, I didn't even make enough money to support myself. Then an agent came along who told me that there were a lot of 'coming-of-age' movies filming around town, and if I was willing to take off my clothes, I could earn $200.00 a day which in the late '70s was a ton of money, especially considering my poor financial condition."

"So I took off my top in a lot of movies that I couldn't remember even if I tried, and collected my $200.00 a day. I was stylin'. One movie I do remember was called THE JUNKMAN because, in addition to going topless, I also had one line of dialogue which allowed me to get my SAG card. The movie was directed by H.B. Halicki who was killed right after he shot his next film, when a telephone pole fell on his head. That seemed really weird because, in all of his movies, he did these crazy car stunts. Anyway, that was how I really started my Hollywood career. Then, right after THE JUNKMAN, I started to get more and more work." Shepard's 1982 debut was shot on the cheap as "the ultimate car chase film;" more than 150 vehicles were demolished during production.

ZAPPED!, released the same year, introduced (for the final time) the immortal comedy team of Scott Baio and Willie Aames. The story: a horny teen taps into his psychic powers to disrobe passing females. "I was in a car and had my top telekinetically zapped-off by junior scientist, Scott Baio," recounts Shepard about her brief scene. "Naturally, they had to have a close-up of my boobs for the film. I was a brunette back then but, unfortunately, Scott wasn't into brunettes so he didn't hit on me. I was into him because he was Chachi [ABC's JOANIE LOVES CHACHI sitcom, which debuted and died in 1982], and I used to have his picture taped to my locker in high school."

The following year, Shepard was cast in MY TUTOR, another "coming-of-age" comedy that turned into a boxoffice sleeper. "I played a fantasy girl. I was in a phone booth when lead actor Matt Lattanzi sees me and dreams of having sex with me. In the fantasy sequence, he pulls me out of the phone booth, throws me into a limousine, rips off my top and starts to have sex with me. Come to think of it, that was the first limo I was ever in. Olivia Newton-John, who was Matt's girlfriend, was on the set to make sure that everything was kosher. She was a nice woman who didn't seem to be jealous or anything."

Even though Shepard was finally performing in movies, albeit low-budget ones, there was a recurring theme in her on-screen assignments; namely, the ole' shirt-removal trick. "My only problem with it was that I felt my boobs were floppy," admits Shepard. "I mean, they were definitely floppy back then because those days were pre-boob job—you know, the natural thing. I would be topless in a scene and, as soon as I moved around, they would just be flopping around all over the place. I'm not saying they don't flop around anymore, they still do. It's just that now I can accept it because I'm older and wiser." (Oh, God, the pain...the pain! She really should have sought a second opinion on this. Guys?-ed.)

Nudity was also required for RAW FORCE, a Philippine production that combined karate with a tribe of cannibalistic monks who literally cook up starlets. Shepard portrayed an alcoholic with loose moral values. "Once again, I got to show off my boobs and got several close-ups. I could always guarantee myself at least one close-up in films where I went topless. And, hey, you do whatever it takes to bring home the bacon."

Next up was OPERATION OVERKILL, which Shepard's critics may consider an appropriate description for the anatomic obligations of her roles. The actress portrayed a victim who is slaughtered and dumped in Lake Tahoe by her boyfriend. Most of this transpires while she's topless.

During this period, Shepard supported herself by performing at Los Angeles strip clubs. Accumulating about a million stories after her ten-year stretch on various runways, Shepard has documented past experiences in her autobiographical book, TOTALLY LIVE NUDE GIRLS. (Published as "If I'm So Famous, How Come Nobody's Ever Heard Of Me?"-ed.) I'll sprinkle some of her "stripper" vignettes throughout this profile.

Shepard's 1984 assignment included her role as Crystal Landers, a Valley Girl who operates HOLLYWOOD HOT TUBS. "Can you believe that my boobs were actually under wraps in a movie about hot tubs?" exclaims an incredulous Shepard. 'i wore a cut-off T-shirt the whole time, and I guess since my boobs looked so good under this tiny, little T-shirt, I never had to take it off. I was very excited about that. I played a very annoying character in this movie, but in a cute way. Katt Shea Ruben was one of the Hot Tub girls, but she doesn't like to admit it because she's a big director now [Ruben directed Drew Barrymore in 1992's POISON IVY]." The movie was helmed by the late Chuck Vincent. "I never knew Chuck was gay," says Shepard. "He was a very nice man who made me feel secure around him, and on the set. He was also a talented filmmaker, he really knew how to move the camera. I wish he were still around."

Cast in the title role of CHRISTINA, a globe-trotting heiress, Shepard dyed her hair blonde. "This movie played on cable a few times and has just been lost ever since. It was originally made for Playboy but I think the only place you can see it, at this point, is in Japan where it's in syndication or something. The nice part of making this film was that I spent four months in Spain, shooting in exotic locations all over the country."

So how did a formerly unemployed actress manage to land a string of B-movie roles? "For the most part, I got those roles through an agency which represented me. This particular agency specializes in movies needing nude women. You'd think that a Hollywood producer could just walk down the street and get a ton of girls to be naked in his movie. But it's really not that easy. Most women would probably freak out and slap his face. Plus, it would be very time consuming. That was earlier in my career, however, and now I have a real agent."

"Producers go to this agency and say, 'Get me three topless girls and two more for full nudity.' Then the agency just starts making calls out of their big Rolodex of actresses. The producer and director then have it easy because the actresses that are sent to them know exactly what they are getting into and, usually, there's no hassles; unless, of course, some sleazeball hires you for a topless scene and then expects you to do a fully nude sex scene with a gross actor. Don't think that doesn't happen!"

Shepard's crown jewel, so to speak, was RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, released on 1,800 screens in 1985. The scale of its distribution matched the optimism usually reserved for studio blockbusters. Director Dan O'Bannon, who had written the screenplay for ALIEN, liberally peppered RETURN's script with black humor. Shepard played a tame punk rocker linked with a gang of teenage misfits. Linnea Quigley was heir to the Trash role, though O'Bannon originally offered the character to Shepard. She declined. "I didn't want to run around a graveyard naked throughout the whole film," Shepard explains. "I begged him to let me have another part because I was sick and tired of taking my clothes off all the time. He said the only other role I could do was that of CAsey, and I jumped on it. I was so happy."

"Linnea was amazing. I've never seen an actress go through as much as she did without complaining even once. She had to sit through hours of make-up and prosthetic preparation, then she was running all over the set, usually while completely nude. Then we had the rain scenes, and she would just stand out there for fifteen or twenty minutes while the rain machines got cranking and, once that started up, she was just drenched and covered from head to toe in mud."

Let's take time out for an excerpt from Shepard's book, Totally Live Nude Girls; Apparently, sports stars strolled into the strip clubs where Shepard entertained (she reveals the names of celebrities, including actors). Strippers tried to impress the VIPs with outrageous table dances, hoping to land sugar daddies. But when average guys—like you and me—saunter into a club, the dancers just size us up and work us over. They'll come over and flirt, maybe get real close so we can smell their hair and stuff. And, at just about that point, we're history.

GOING UNDERCOVER involved a private investigator who guards a vacationing rich girl. In addition to Shepard, the cast included Lea Thompson, Chris Lemmon and Adam WEst. "I played Peaches Brilliant, who was Chris' sister and Batman {West} was our dad," smiles Shepard. "Lea was just about to start a small film called BACK TO THE FUTURE, and she was in a real hurry to finish so she could get started on it." There's a certain inflection in Shepard's voice that suggests she and Thompson weren't exactly bosom buddies. "WAs she a bitch? Did you two have a catfight?" I excitedly ask. I just love grilling our femme fatales on girl-girl stuff like this. "Let's just say she was real anxious to get out of there," Shepard replies. Damn, I hate diplomacy. I want good dirt.

She subsequently portrayed Dyanne Stein in PARTY CAMP (1987), a weak imitation of MEATBALLS. "I got thrashed by the critics in this movie and, when you watch it, it's pretty much justified because my performance absolutely sucks. I did look good, though." I thought it was pretty cool that Shepard candidly panned her own performance, but her self-denigrating review was followed by a defense. "I basically took a chance on this role. I made my character a real lightweight goody-goody at first, and then I expose her as a total bitch underneath it all. but this transformation took place as the film progressed. Little did I know that all the transformation scenes would be cut, and the film was left with two entirely different performances that made no sense. Therefore, to a viewer who sees the final cut, my performance sucked."

SCENES FROM THE GOLDMINE, directed by Marc Rocco on a more substantial budget, cast Shepard as Catherine Mary Stewart's best friend. "While this was probably the easiest role I've had in my career," Shepard says cautiously, "it was also the most painful. There were just a lot of creative and personal differences that went around, and I still have a good deal of bitterness at what went down and how the film turned out. That's about all I want to be quoted on for this movie."

A Jewel Shepard footnote on table dancing; according to California law, a woman is permitted to dance topless in front of men as long as she retains a 6-inch distance from her audience. Table dancing proved preferable for strippers who weren't collecting enough dough off the runway. It's a simple procedure. A stripper and her customer select a table and chair in a darker quarter of a club; she gyrates on the surface of the table, performing a "special and private" show for her admirer. Price for this human smorgasbord: up to $30.00 per song.

NIGHT SCHOOL's cast of characters was an alumnae of horny, adult students. The film was released as THE UNDERACHIEVERS (1987) with the title role(s) played by Barbara Carrera, Edward Albert, Garrett Morris and the late Vic Tayback. "I got to dress up in this funky STAR TREK outfit, and would beam off certain students," says Shepard as she reflects on her role as a teacher. "The movie went through so many script, cast and crew changes, while we were in production, that it ended up being a real mess."

Shepard reprised her role as Crystal Landers in the most eagerly-awaited sequel of the decade, HOLLYWOOD HOT TUBS II (1989). This time around, Crystal attends college for further education on hot tub management; meanwhile, a wealthy Arab targets her company for a hostile takeover bid. Yep, this picture has it all. On the plus side, Shepard developed a really, really good tan.

Cast as a hooker with bad eyesight, Shepard joined B-veterans Delia Sheppard and Brinke Stevens for ROOTS OF EVIL (1991). So how did she prep for a character who was nearly blind? "Prep? I read a book upside down and bumped into a few things while we filmed. That was about it." During one sequence, Shepard is tossed into prison and "somehow, my top got ripped off." That scenario sounded vaguely familiar—suddenly, I realize that we pretty much concluded our "boob count" a couple of pages ago. Good reason, too; Shepard is making a conscious effort to halt the removal of her halter. "I did enough of those boob jobs to the point where I was tired of it, plain and simple," she explains. "I felt like it wasn't that important to me to be an actress anymore, if it meant being half naked all the time. I just didn't need it, financially or mentally. So I simply stopped doing those kinds of roles for a while."

Her latest film, PRISONERS, will debut on video as CAGED HEAT 2: STRIPPED OF FREEDOM. Shepard plays a CIA agent who ends up in a Philippine prison while trying to relocate a deposed king and his daughter. "I was really put through the wringer in this film," says Shepard. "I get whipped, beaten, scratched, clawed, you name it, most of which was in this big field of mud while torrential rain showers poured onto my head. I detail a lot of the misery of this shoot in my book. It's amazing what actresses go through, or rather get put through, just to make a stupid movie. In the end, I kill about 500 guys with one revolver and save this little blonde chick from certain death. In fact, after this film, I will have killed thousands of people i my movie career—all men—while only having been killed twice myself."

I asked Shepard for some sexy, off-camera stories regarding her personal life. "I don't know, I'm pretty conservative in real life," she shrugs. Is that all there is? "Okay, okay," she replied, surrendering to my interrogation. "I sleep in the nude."

One of Shepard's goals is to be cast in SPECIES, a film about a human organism that is "born" in a petri dish. She's reading for director Roger Donaldson, hoping to nab a pivotal role. "There were two other films that I read for of significance," she reveals. "I read with Mel Gibson for a really good part in FOREVER YOUNG, but eventually lost out to the screenwriter's girlfriend. She promptly dumped him once she got the role, so at least that part of it was cool. I also read with Ray Liotta for the part in UNLAWFUL ENTRY of a girl who wants to have sex with him all the time. I climbed all over Ray in the audition, and I can tell you this much; he was definitely into it. But in a typical Hollywood story, the role went to a woman who ended up being his girlfriend. How many times have we heard that one?"

Shepard recently completed work on SCANNER COP II, and is currently preoccupied with writing her own screenplays. "I'm at different stages on a couple of scripts. They're all male-oriented stories because I only want to write for guys. I have no interest in writing for or about women. That may sound strange, but it's simply economics. Macho-action stories are where all the money is at, and I'm certainly not going to change the world any for actresses by miraculously writing some THELMA AND LOUISE-type script. Nope, I'll just stick to the odds and hope that one of my he-man scripts makes it big."

Another future possibility is the optioning of Shepard's first book, "Invasion of the B-Girls," into a Dick Clark production; an A-movie about B-cult celebrities. "I was asking all of my peers about their lives, both personal and professional," notes Shepard about B-Girls, "and it just dawned on me to turn all of this information into a book. Plus, unemployment pretty much drove me into it. The girls were really great about it and, in the end, everyone got a truckload of excellent publicity."

Anyway, later this year, look for Shepard's Totally Live Nude Girls at bookstores near you. And when you read the part about this beautiful, tall, blonde stripper named Candy, just remember that she was my all-time favorite entertainer...so much so, in fact, that I wanted to buy a T-shirt with "I Love Candy" emblazoned across the chest and wait for her to do one of her dance routines and then just jump up, rip open my jacket, and yell out, "I LOVE CANDY!" while displaying the T-shirt. You can bet that stunt would have impressed either Candy or gotten my butt kicked by the burly bouncer named Beef.

Look, all you guys need to know is Jewel Shepard is totally cool...a guy's chick, if you know what I mean. She can really hang. If I were marooned on a deserted island for a year, I would have no problem getting by if Jewel was included in the deal. Well, Jewel and maybe some Candy.