Okay, I'm kidding, but not very much. Every time I log on to eBay and do a search on myself, I find a little piece of my past:

I have only the vaguest recollection of how I wound up being one of those nude ladies . . . Must have happened during those drug years that neither I nor the Republican candidate for president can recall. I do remember thinking the pics would be off the newstand in short order, never to be seen again. That was before eBay. The Easyriders issue offered there went for 50 bucks—probably about what I got for the photo shoot.

I am of two minds about this. On the one hand, it's flattering to know that enough guys out there want me badly enough to jack the price up that high. On the other hand, it's annoying to discover your own body priced out of reach.

If this is what it's like for me, a former Scream Queen who could (alas) somewhat justifiably title my autobiography If I'm So Famous, How Come Nobody's Ever Heard of Me? then I can only imagine what it must be like for the dozens of marginally better-known stars for whom it's now open season on the Net.

Over the years, as an actress, I’ve left hundreds, maybe thousands, of 8X10 photos in the offices of casting directors. Many of the casting directors promptly filed my head shots, along with countless others, in the nearest dumpster. I wonder if they’d have tossed me away so quickly if they knew that photo would someday go for 60 bucks on eBay.

Then there are all those embarrassing, wish-I-could-forget movies. It’s bad enough when one of them turns up on cable at 4 a.m. Now I have to see that someone with a stash of cassettes has set up a cottage industry, auctioning ’em off. For some reason, though many are sold, I haven’t seen a royalty check in a lonnnng time.

Every time I do a search on myself, I find old autographs, films—once, there was a guy selling coasters and dishes imprinted with a photo of me. There are posters and lobby cards from a movie that, to my knowledge, never got a theatrical release—except in Mexico, if the lobby card is to be believed. Then, of course, there are those men's magazines (I never knew I was in an issue of Club). I suppose I can understand why people are selling all of these items.

What I don't understand is why people are buying them—and not only buying but also bidding against one another, escalating prices to somewhere near the ozone layer. In an attempt to comprehend it all, I decided to write some e-mail.

A bidder in Van Buren, Arkansas, writes back that he collects items of his favorite stars because “you feel closer possessing memorabilia from their past.” Hmmm. He adds that I can thank “free enterprise” for my body being worth more now than it was 20 years ago.

On the other hand, a guy in Anaheim, California, (I swear, I was out of town! -ed.) tells me he wouldn't collect these 15-year-old photos of me if I would be so kind as to come by so he “can take a few pictures” of me. Gosh, I wonder what he has in mind. Somehow, I don't figure he wants me dressed up as an Eskimo.(No, I wou...OOOO!-ed.) He characterizes collecting me thusly: “It's a hobby. It's an addiction.” He could have spent years scouring second-hand bookshops without a clue as to which magazines I'm in. Thanks to eBay, he does a search . . . and then it's just a matter of outbidding the guy in Van Buren, Arkansas. (It's MINE, Brian! 1983 Easyriders and it's MINT!! - ed.)

Of course, I'm small taters. As I write this there are only 14 Jewel Shepard items on eBay. There are 3,052 Madonna items, including two ashtrays from the Madonna Inn—a hotel famous for its cavernous rooms—and a few hundred pertaining to the original Madonna(the one whose child isn't named Lourdes). The singer, however, was represented by thousands of bidding opportunities: photos, records, magazines, copies of her Sex book, even an item advertised as a “real Madonna one dollar bill.” It features not the usual face of George Washington but the more recognizable face of Ms. Ciccone. The seller assures us it's genuine U.S. Legal Tender, as if you might consider trying to spend it. Cameron Diaz checked in with a paltry 677 items, mainly photos, including a “guaranteed hand-signed, in-person, face-to-face photo” of a young Miss Diaz, topless.

One of the big problems, not just on eBay but throughout the collectibles industry, is the vast number of bogus autographs. Not long ago, one trader was unloading a pile of "genuine, guaranteed" Farrah Fawcett autographed photos that spelled "Farrah" with one "r". This has led to an increased interest in old signed checks and contracts. You figure that no one would go to the trouble of forging, for example, a cancelled check from Sharon Stone for $1,725 to some lady with a Ph.D. You also figure that when Sharon wrote the check, she didn't dream it would turn up in an auction and displayed on the Internet—although at least Sharon fared better than Butterfly McQueen: Someone is hawking a check she wrote that was returned due to insufficient funds. You can also buy—or just browse—Barbra Streisand's contract with the health plan that covered her employees; Julie Andrews's contract with her agent; or Irene Cara's contract to sing on the 1981 Grammy Awards. (She got two grand, the contract says—not bad.)

No part of a star's past is off-limits. Someone just offered a video cassette of Angelina Jolie, taken at a birthday party when she was 12 years old. The tape has been edited to contain just the moments that include little Angelina, one highlight being when she and several friends of like age sing "Stand By Me," karaoke style. The seller states that this was recorded at his sister's birthday party, that its the only copy, and that, as a bonus, he'll toss in xeroxes of what Angelina wrote in his sister's eighth-grade yearbook, along with a shot of Angelina winning the eighth-grade "best legs" contest.

He says it's "a definite must for any Angelina Jolie fan," which makes you wonder; He says it's the only copy but there are a lot of Angelina Jolie fans out there. So they're all going to miss out on a "definite must"—all except the one who snagged this treasure for $162.00. You also wonder if Angelina has a copy...or would pay that much for one.

And you also wonder—or, at least, I do—where this stops. Will someone be selling Gwyneth Paltrow's old wetnaps? Leonardo DiCaprio's discarded chewing gum? Cher's abandoned body parts? (You can already bid on Traci Lord's used panties, although the listing informs us they have been cleaned per eBay rules.)

All I know is, it won't surprise me if my third-grade report card turns up for sale, or the intimate, soul-tearing letters I wrote to the first boy I had a crush on. I may have to bid large sums for the latter, just so I can get them and burn them.

I might as well cash in. Everyone else seems to be doing it. Unfortunately, I don't have any copies of my old men's magazines. It would be fitting to sell my youth to finance my early retirement. Instead, I may have to haul out the old Polaroid and snap some new ones—maybe "A Day in the Life of Jewel Shepard" (me shopping at the Target store, only topless). Or maybe I'll make a big, life-size refrigerator magnet of me, naked.

I wonder how much I can get for them. Guaranteed authentic.