
D'Ya Think I'm Sexy?
The moon hung low and round in the sky. The scent of freshly harvested hay flowed around us. Crickets chirped wildly. Then, suddenly, everything stopped. I froze. There was nothing around me but fields...fields and more fields (and believe me this was no field of dreams). Ahead of me was the road I was on, seemingly leading to nowhere. Behind me, the road continued on. I was getting a stomach ache and I wanted to pee. A howl pierced the sky...a bone-chilling howl, followed by other shrieks in different octaves. "Did you hear that?" Chris whispered. "They heard it back in Los Angeles," I whined. "Do you think we should leave?" he muttered, already urgently pulling me to follow. I grabbed his arm and dragged him down the road. But we didn't get far. A lone figure crept out of the woods...it growled like a wolf. We tried to evade it: We darted to the right but the beast darted to the right, as well. Whichever way we turned, the animal was right behind us. We could hear its slobbering, hot breath growing ever closer. Was it two feet behind us or two miles? Neither of us had the courage to look back and know for sure...better to not look and know for sure how close it was. Wherever it was, it was way too close for us. "We're going to die. I don't want to die this way. I wanted to die naturally, all by myself," I cried. The figure slowly neared us. We stiffened. It stopped, just inches behind us. Then, all of a sudden, it charged...promptly dropping at my feet and rolling over to have its belly rubbed. It was a God-damned Collie! "Don't you know you're supposed to tell me you're a dog?" I yelled, relieved. "We must get back to the guys," Chris said in his Scottish accent. And I believe I could detect a relieved tone in his voice, also. The "guys" in this case, were a band...an Alternative band named The Revolting Cocks. (Who comes up with these names, anyhow?) Chris Connelly is the singer for the group and I was there, on location with them in Arlington, Texas, purely as ornamentation. We were shooting a music video in which I had to stretch my talents to play the girl friend. (It's a good thing I didn't have to say anything.) "'Do ya think I'm sexy?' That's the name of the song?" I asked. "Yeah, it's the Rod Stewart song, but with a twist," Al Jorgenson grunted. Al Jorgenson is the force behind the heavy metal group, Ministry. In fact, the personnel of The Revolting Cocks is the same as the guys who make up Ministry. Is that all clear? Well, it wasn't to me, either. The video we were making had everything in it: Girls in cages painted red and hung from the ceiling...dead World War II German officers...cave-girls...Western sex slaves riding bucking bombs...Men who are women...Men who might as well be women...Slave girls getting cooked and basted in large pots...Tanks...blown-up helicopters...and two B-Movie Queens, Linnea Quigley and myself. Oh...and one Texas Chainsaw guy, Ed Neal. And the reigning king of sleaze, Dave Friedman. They had everything except decent paychecks. We were all figments of the imagination for one obviously sick guy, our director Tim Rainoine. This was his first directing job and he wanted his dream of the perfect bar to come alive. The storyline, such as it was: Chris, the leader of this band (or maybe he was the leader of the other band; it gets very confusing) came and picked me up as his date. I was your typical glamorous video babe and Chris comes on too strong and I dump him. He drives off to a bar populated with really strange people, including the other members of his band...or maybe they were from the other band. Anyway, he sees me there, being hassled by a guy with K-Y jelly (happens all the time) and he saves me, whisking me away to his apartment where I remove my head, turn out to be an old lady and start yelling, "Do You Think I'm Sexy?" He pulls out his K-Y jelly and joins me in another chorus and we all live happily ever after. In other words, another one of those ultra-realistic storylines. Keep an eye out for it on MTV. Major announcement: I have finally finished my long-awaited – and possibly quite forgotten by some of you – home video, "The Private World of Jewel Shepard." No kidding. You may recall back in Newsletter #2, I told you how I had starred in a women's prison movie (tentatively titled, "Prisoners") for Roger Corman in the Philippines and, after being sufficiently beaten up, forced to take showers and save all the babes in this flick from certain doom, I then hobbled onto a plane bound for Vietnam for a long-awaited (and much appreciated) vacation. Well, all throughout the filming and the vacation, I had my Sony 8mm camcorder hard at work. (Actually, it wasn't mine; I borrowed it from a friend) I shot miles of videotape and I have now personally edited it into a fascinating tape, approximately thirty minutes in length. Come with me as I take you through all my experiences on and off the set in the Philippines and vacationing in Vietnam...plus a peek to the happenings in my hotel room at the Mandarin Oriental in Manila and then back in my apartment right here in Hollywood. So, aside from all the behind the scenes stuff on the making of "Prisoners" you will also receive a bonus peek at my dog Popcorn, doing doggy things, plus one gratuitous breast shot of Yours Truly. It's a hell of a deal...and all for seventeen dollars plus three dollars postage. Much more major announcement: I'll be the subject of a big article in the December issue of Premiere Magazine, on sale in early November! Julia Roberts on the cover. Wow! Holy Guacamole! But why? Hey, I didn't ask. Maybe they just thought I was interesting. What's more, it's just not a blurb but a long expose! Premiere sent out their ace reporter, John Richardson, to cover such major happenings of my life as...meeting Klingons for the first time...getting rejected by John Landis as director of my movie on "Invasion of The B-Girls"...and taking long walks around my block with Popcorn. Such excitement. He wrote a gazillion pages on me but probably only ten will be printed and photos. Ton of photos. I would love to tell you what the angle is but...I don't know. It's Premiere's policy not to tell the subject what they wrote. So think, when you're reading it for the first time, I'll be reading it for the first time, too. And, if you hear a faint scream from the direction of Hollywood, you'll know they revealed something I wish they hadn't. If they do, don't be surprised if your next Newsletter comes from some other country. And now, on to the Mailbag...
_{© 1993, 2001 Jewel Shepard}

D'Ya Think I'm Sexy?

The moon hung low and round in the sky. The scent of freshly harvested hay flowed around us. Crickets chirped wildly. Then, suddenly, everything stopped. I froze. There was nothing around me but fields...fields and more fields (and believe me this was no field of dreams). Ahead of me was the road I was on, seemingly leading to nowhere. Behind me, the road continued on. I was getting a stomach ache and I wanted to pee. A howl pierced the sky...a bone-chilling howl, followed by other shrieks in different octaves.

"Did you hear that?" Chris whispered.

"They heard it back in Los Angeles," I whined.

"Do you think we should leave?" he muttered, already urgently pulling me to follow.

I grabbed his arm and dragged him down the road. But we didn't get far. A lone figure crept out of the woods...it growled like a wolf.

We tried to evade it: We darted to the right but the beast darted to the right, as well. Whichever way we turned, the animal was right behind us. We could hear its slobbering, hot breath growing ever closer. Was it two feet behind us or two miles? Neither of us had the courage to look back and know for sure...better to not look and know for sure how close it was. Wherever it was, it was way too close for us.

"We're going to die. I don't want to die this way. I wanted to die naturally, all by myself," I cried. The figure slowly neared us. We stiffened. It stopped, just inches behind us. Then, all of a sudden, it charged...promptly dropping at my feet and rolling over to have its belly rubbed. It was a God-damned Collie!

"Don't you know you're supposed to tell me you're a dog?" I yelled, relieved.

"We must get back to the guys," Chris said in his Scottish accent. And I believe I could detect a relieved tone in his voice, also.

The "guys" in this case, were a band...an Alternative band named The Revolting Cocks. (Who comes up with these names, anyhow?) Chris Connelly is the singer for the group and I was there, on location with them in Arlington, Texas, purely as ornamentation. We were shooting a music video in which I had to stretch my talents to play the girl friend. (It's a good thing I didn't have to say anything.)

"'Do ya think I'm sexy?' That's the name of the song?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's the Rod Stewart song, but with a twist," Al Jorgenson grunted. Al Jorgenson is the force behind the heavy metal group, Ministry. In fact, the personnel of The Revolting Cocks is the same as the guys who make up Ministry. Is that all clear? Well, it wasn't to me, either.

The video we were making had everything in it: Girls in cages painted red and hung from the ceiling...dead World War II German officers...cave-girls...Western sex slaves riding bucking bombs...Men who are women...Men who might as well be women...Slave girls getting cooked and basted in large pots...Tanks...blown-up helicopters...and two B-Movie Queens, Linnea Quigley and myself. Oh...and one Texas Chainsaw guy, Ed Neal. And the reigning king of sleaze, Dave Friedman. They had everything except decent paychecks.

We were all figments of the imagination for one obviously sick guy, our director Tim Rainoine. This was his first directing job and he wanted his dream of the perfect bar to come alive.

The storyline, such as it was: Chris, the leader of this band (or maybe he was the leader of the other band; it gets very confusing) came and picked me up as his date. I was your typical glamorous video babe and Chris comes on too strong and I dump him. He drives off to a bar populated with really strange people, including the other members of his band...or maybe they were from the other band. Anyway, he sees me there, being hassled by a guy with K-Y jelly (happens all the time) and he saves me, whisking me away to his apartment where I remove my head, turn out to be an old lady and start yelling, "Do You Think I'm Sexy?" He pulls out his K-Y jelly and joins me in another chorus and we all live happily ever after.

In other words, another one of those ultra-realistic storylines. Keep an eye out for it on MTV.

Major announcement: I have finally finished my long-awaited – and possibly quite forgotten by some of you – home video, "The Private World of Jewel Shepard." No kidding. You may recall back in Newsletter #2, I told you how I had starred in a women's prison movie (tentatively titled, "Prisoners") for Roger Corman in the Philippines and, after being sufficiently beaten up, forced to take showers and save all the babes in this flick from certain doom, I then hobbled onto a plane bound for Vietnam for a long-awaited (and much appreciated) vacation. Well, all throughout the filming and the vacation, I had my Sony 8mm camcorder hard at work. (Actually, it wasn't mine; I borrowed it from a friend) I shot miles of videotape and I have now personally edited it into a fascinating tape, approximately thirty minutes in length. Come with me as I take you through all my experiences on and off the set in the Philippines and vacationing in Vietnam...plus a peek to the happenings in my hotel room at the Mandarin Oriental in Manila and then back in my apartment right here in Hollywood. So, aside from all the behind the scenes stuff on the making of "Prisoners" you will also receive a bonus peek at my dog Popcorn, doing doggy things, plus one gratuitous breast shot of Yours Truly. It's a hell of a deal...and all for seventeen dollars plus three dollars postage.

Much more major announcement: I'll be the subject of a big article in the December issue of Premiere Magazine, on sale in early November! Julia Roberts on the cover. Wow! Holy Guacamole! But why? Hey, I didn't ask. Maybe they just thought I was interesting. What's more, it's just not a blurb but a long expose! Premiere sent out their ace reporter, John Richardson, to cover such major happenings of my life as...meeting Klingons for the first time...getting rejected by John Landis as director of my movie on "Invasion of The B-Girls"...and taking long walks around my block with Popcorn. Such excitement. He wrote a gazillion pages on me but probably only ten will be printed and photos. Ton of photos. I would love to tell you what the angle is but...I don't know. It's Premiere's policy not to tell the subject what they wrote. So think, when you're reading it for the first time, I'll be reading it for the first time, too. And, if you hear a faint scream from the direction of Hollywood, you'll know they revealed something I wish they hadn't. If they do, don't be surprised if your next Newsletter comes from some other country. And now, on to the Mailbag...