
Letters...We Get Letters
Well, here I am at the beginning of another year, doing another newsletter. Does anything ever change? Leaping Lollipops, it sure does! Thanks to the December, 1993 issue of Premiere Magazine, I have over four hundred new friends and fans reading this and the list is growing still as Premiere makes its way around the globe. Sadly, though, I also have one psycho writing me (at least, one whose letters read like he's a psycho), a dozen or so men sitting on Death Row (they write the longest letters; I guess they have the most time) and two secret admirers (one in Des Moines, Iowa and one in Fargo, North Dakota). And here's a little peek at what else has invaded Post Office Box 480265 since our last issue... Thirty-five marriage proposals, twenty-one of which were from lawyers, two from ten-year-olds, one from a ninty-two-year-old, plus letters from a couple of pilots and one woman. It's comforting to know you appeal to such a wide audience...I guess. But what is it that makes me so appealing to lawyers? Must be my briefs. Seven books sent to me by their authors, ranging from the romantic, Sci-Fi, Mafia killings, How-to-Find-God (two of those, was it something I said?), Macrame and finally the entire history of the Ming Dynasty. I must confess, some of those books I don't think I'll be reading. I make it a point never to read any book that weighs more than I do. A year's supply of Protect All from Patrick Huber of Anaheim who happens to work there. Yes, this is a commercial. I was surfing a month ago down here in Seal Beach and I parked my truck under something that, I only found out later, dripped tar. I was obviously upset and remembered that one of my fans had sent me a sample pack of scum remover. I applied it—using my usual style, which is not to follow the directions. And it didn't work. I was so desperate by this point that I would try anything! Crazed and frustrated, I went back, fished the manual out of the trashcan and, against my usual policy, I followed the directions. Much to my amazement, it worked! What a revelation! I'll have to try this directin-following thing again sometime. Right now, I'm a convert! I now have a whole year's worth so I could go park under the La Brea Tar Pits without worrying! The directions also say it works swell on boats...I wish I had a boat. And no, this is not a subtle hint to send me a boat. Oh, no...I'm only interested in testing the product. Eight CD's—one by the artist himself, Shane Faubert, called “San Blass” and it was great; it reminded me of Neil Young. I also got a Muddy Waters, a James Elmore and a gift set of Led Zeppelin. Very Cool. I also had many requests to know the name of the Johnny Guitar Watson album, mentioned in the Premiere article, on which I spent one hundred and fifty dollars. Some of you said, and I quote, “Get real, $150.00 for vinyl?” Okay...so, at times, I'm a little impulsive. The name of the album is “Listen.” And, currently, my all-time favorite album is “Rejuvenation” by the Meters. I won't tell you what I paid for that but, well let's just say that if I hadn't bought it, I wouldnt have to drop cheap hints here to get a boat. Joe M. Sellars of Johnson City, TN sent me a lovely French coin. In his letter, he explained that it gave him hope during times of uncertainty and he hoped it would do the same for me. Me? Uncertain? When have you ever heard of a Hollywood actress going through times of uncertainty? (Right now, I'm not even sure what Number Five on this list will be.) Anyway, thank you, Joe. Twenty-two scripts! So far. I didn't go to the mailbox for awhile and the guy at the post office complained because I was clogging up the building. Then he gave me a script he's working on. (No, I'm kidding about that. But if he isn't writing a script, he's the only person I've met in months who hasn't, except for my landlord. My landlord just wants to direct.) I haven't had the time to read any of the scripts yet so please be patient and please don't send me anymore right now. By the time I get to some of these, I'll be too old to play the roles that are now “just perfect for Jewel.” Videos. Boy, did I get videos. And some of them certainly were unique. One was a silent movie of...well, lets see: It had vampires, bimbos, bored sports fans, crossdressers, children of the neighborhood, snake eating nymphets, Elvis, Madonna, an angry couple and one Alistair Cooke-style commentator explaining to us what we were watching...but, since this was a silent movie, you couldn't hear the explanation. If I learn to lip-read one of these days, I'll tell you how all those things tied together. Then there was another video type which had an Elvis impersonator and his pals, Elizabeth Taylor and Marilyn Monroe, going to St. Louis for the grand opening of a shopping center. At some point, it turned into a serious psychological thriller. I found it most interesting and I give it a “Thumbs up.” Siskel and Ebert, eat your hearts out. My pooch, Popcorn, received a rawhide bone and one marriage proposal. And the guy even suggested that he and I and his dog and Popcorn could all double-date. Where would we find a restaurant that would let two mangy animals in? And where would the dogs eat? Most of all, the letters that were sent were extremely thoughtful, sweet and encouraging. Some of them helped a lot to relieve a bad case of the blahs that sometimes overtakes me on days when the phone isn't ringing and...well, you get the idea. I can't thank everyone enough for the time you've taken to write to me and let me know about yourselves and how you feel about the world and life and even me and my little movies. Words cannot express the way I feel. Just picture me with a huge smile on my face. Ditto that for Popcorn. It's subscription time! Yes, that's right. Everyone's subscription expired with the last issue but I forgot to tell everyone it was time to resubscribe. Many of you sent in your five dollars for issues #5-8 without being asked and I thank you wonderful people. But I'm also digging into my purse and sending this one out to the rest of you and I hope you'll hurry another five bucks in here for another four issues. This is a one-actress operation here. We're not like Newsweek where you order a two-year subscription and then, every three days for the next two years, you get these mailings telling you that your subscription is about to expire and how about accepting this new, lowest-ever (until the next mailing) rate to sign up for another ninty-one years? No, here at the Jewel Shepard Fan Club Newsletter, we don't nag you. We even forget to tell you when your subscription has expired. This is everyone's last notice and there's only one price...five dollars for four issues. And, believe me, there isn't a lot of profit in there. I just like to keep in touch with all my fans and maybe sell them a photo or two. In times like this where the cost of everything is rising, isn't it nice to know you can depend on one thing that doesn't? Me! You'll get the inside facts on what's happening to me in the movie biz. Last year, I took you with me to Chicago, Kansas, Manila and Vietnam for a behind-the-scenes look at conventions and shooting those really neat prison movies. Well, this year I'll take you to Pittsburgh for a convention called Chiller Theater and to casting meetings where hopefully I'll get the job (and, if not, I'll report that too.) I'm also hoping for a trip to the South Pole where I'll report on efforts to locate Santa Claus. I know...everyone says he's at the North Pole but I have inside information that he moved down there, the moment they passed NAFTA. (That “giant sucking sound” was the sound of all the Elves here losing work...) So what are you waiting for? Five bucks for four more issues! Such a deal! There would usually be a department called Jewel's Mailbox on this page, answering questions that my fans sent in. Unfortunately, this month, I don't have enough questions to fill it up. Someone hasn't been doing their jobs, guys, hint hint. Well, I have this lonely one from Skip Joens of Des Moines, Iowa, who wants to know...“How do you stay in such great shape? Also, please let us in on your diet.” Well, Skip, here's the answer. The alarm goes off at seven a.m., scaring me half to death...I jump out of bed, banging into the book cases, stuff myself into my sweatpants and jump into the truck, speeding all the way to Gold's Gym, where I sweat for two hours every day without fail, including holidays. All that, just so I can go to the supermarket to eat Laughing Cow Cheese. No wonder the cow laughs. I hope to see you all back here next time so please, get those subscription renewals in, now. And order something else while you're at it. Thanks!
_{© 1994, 2001 Jewel Shepard, All Rights Reserved.}

Letters...We Get Letters

Well, here I am at the beginning of another year, doing another newsletter. Does anything ever change? Leaping Lollipops, it sure does! Thanks to the December, 1993 issue of Premiere Magazine, I have over four hundred new friends and fans reading this and the list is growing still as Premiere makes its way around the globe. Sadly, though, I also have one psycho writing me (at least, one whose letters read like he's a psycho), a dozen or so men sitting on Death Row (they write the longest letters; I guess they have the most time) and two secret admirers (one in Des Moines, Iowa and one in Fargo, North Dakota). And here's a little peek at what else has invaded Post Office Box 480265 since our last issue...

Thirty-five marriage proposals, twenty-one of which were from lawyers, two from ten-year-olds, one from a ninty-two-year-old, plus letters from a couple of pilots and one woman. It's comforting to know you appeal to such a wide audience...I guess. But what is it that makes me so appealing to lawyers? Must be my briefs.
Seven books sent to me by their authors, ranging from the romantic, Sci-Fi, Mafia killings, How-to-Find-God (two of those, was it something I said?), Macrame and finally the entire history of the Ming Dynasty. I must confess, some of those books I don't think I'll be reading. I make it a point never to read any book that weighs more than I do.
A year's supply of Protect All from Patrick Huber of Anaheim who happens to work there. Yes, this is a commercial. I was surfing a month ago down here in Seal Beach and I parked my truck under something that, I only found out later, dripped tar. I was obviously upset and remembered that one of my fans had sent me a sample pack of scum remover. I applied it—using my usual style, which is not to follow the directions. And it didn't work. I was so desperate by this point that I would try anything! Crazed and frustrated, I went back, fished the manual out of the trashcan and, against my usual policy, I followed the directions. Much to my amazement, it worked! What a revelation! I'll have to try this directin-following thing again sometime. Right now, I'm a convert! I now have a whole year's worth so I could go park under the La Brea Tar Pits without worrying! The directions also say it works swell on boats...I wish I had a boat. And no, this is not a subtle hint to send me a boat. Oh, no...I'm only interested in testing the product.
Eight CD's—one by the artist himself, Shane Faubert, called “San Blass” and it was great; it reminded me of Neil Young. I also got a Muddy Waters, a James Elmore and a gift set of Led Zeppelin. Very Cool. I also had many requests to know the name of the Johnny Guitar Watson album, mentioned in the Premiere article, on which I spent one hundred and fifty dollars. Some of you said, and I quote, “Get real, $150.00 for vinyl?” Okay...so, at times, I'm a little impulsive. The name of the album is “Listen.” And, currently, my all-time favorite album is “Rejuvenation” by the Meters. I won't tell you what I paid for that but, well let's just say that if I hadn't bought it, I wouldnt have to drop cheap hints here to get a boat.
Joe M. Sellars of Johnson City, TN sent me a lovely French coin. In his letter, he explained that it gave him hope during times of uncertainty and he hoped it would do the same for me. Me? Uncertain? When have you ever heard of a Hollywood actress going through times of uncertainty? (Right now, I'm not even sure what Number Five on this list will be.) Anyway, thank you, Joe.
Twenty-two scripts! So far. I didn't go to the mailbox for awhile and the guy at the post office complained because I was clogging up the building. Then he gave me a script he's working on. (No, I'm kidding about that. But if he isn't writing a script, he's the only person I've met in months who hasn't, except for my landlord. My landlord just wants to direct.) I haven't had the time to read any of the scripts yet so please be patient and please don't send me anymore right now. By the time I get to some of these, I'll be too old to play the roles that are now “just perfect for Jewel.”
Videos. Boy, did I get videos. And some of them certainly were unique. One was a silent movie of...well, lets see: It had vampires, bimbos, bored sports fans, crossdressers, children of the neighborhood, snake eating nymphets, Elvis, Madonna, an angry couple and one Alistair Cooke-style commentator explaining to us what we were watching...but, since this was a silent movie, you couldn't hear the explanation. If I learn to lip-read one of these days, I'll tell you how all those things tied together. Then there was another video type which had an Elvis impersonator and his pals, Elizabeth Taylor and Marilyn Monroe, going to St. Louis for the grand opening of a shopping center. At some point, it turned into a serious psychological thriller. I found it most interesting and I give it a “Thumbs up.” Siskel and Ebert, eat your hearts out.
My pooch, Popcorn, received a rawhide bone and one marriage proposal. And the guy even suggested that he and I and his dog and Popcorn could all double-date. Where would we find a restaurant that would let two mangy animals in? And where would the dogs eat?

Most of all, the letters that were sent were extremely thoughtful, sweet and encouraging. Some of them helped a lot to relieve a bad case of the blahs that sometimes overtakes me on days when the phone isn't ringing and...well, you get the idea. I can't thank everyone enough for the time you've taken to write to me and let me know about yourselves and how you feel about the world and life and even me and my little movies. Words cannot express the way I feel. Just picture me with a huge smile on my face. Ditto that for Popcorn.

It's subscription time! Yes, that's right. Everyone's subscription expired with the last issue but I forgot to tell everyone it was time to resubscribe. Many of you sent in your five dollars for issues #5-8 without being asked and I thank you wonderful people. But I'm also digging into my purse and sending this one out to the rest of you and I hope you'll hurry another five bucks in here for another four issues.

This is a one-actress operation here. We're not like Newsweek where you order a two-year subscription and then, every three days for the next two years, you get these mailings telling you that your subscription is about to expire and how about accepting this new, lowest-ever (until the next mailing) rate to sign up for another ninty-one years? No, here at the Jewel Shepard Fan Club Newsletter, we don't nag you. We even forget to tell you when your subscription has expired. This is everyone's last notice and there's only one price...five dollars for four issues. And, believe me, there isn't a lot of profit in there. I just like to keep in touch with all my fans and maybe sell them a photo or two.

In times like this where the cost of everything is rising, isn't it nice to know you can depend on one thing that doesn't? Me! You'll get the inside facts on what's happening to me in the movie biz. Last year, I took you with me to Chicago, Kansas, Manila and Vietnam for a behind-the-scenes look at conventions and shooting those really neat prison movies. Well, this year I'll take you to Pittsburgh for a convention called Chiller Theater and to casting meetings where hopefully I'll get the job (and, if not, I'll report that too.) I'm also hoping for a trip to the South Pole where I'll report on efforts to locate Santa Claus. I know...everyone says he's at the North Pole but I have inside information that he moved down there, the moment they passed NAFTA. (That “giant sucking sound” was the sound of all the Elves here losing work...)

So what are you waiting for? Five bucks for four more issues! Such a deal!

There would usually be a department called Jewel's Mailbox on this page, answering questions that my fans sent in. Unfortunately, this month, I don't have enough questions to fill it up. Someone hasn't been doing their jobs, guys, hint hint.

Well, I have this lonely one from Skip Joens of Des Moines, Iowa, who wants to know...“How do you stay in such great shape? Also, please let us in on your diet.”

Well, Skip, here's the answer. The alarm goes off at seven a.m., scaring me half to death...I jump out of bed, banging into the book cases, stuff myself into my sweatpants and jump into the truck, speeding all the way to Gold's Gym, where I sweat for two hours every day without fail, including holidays. All that, just so I can go to the supermarket to eat Laughing Cow Cheese. No wonder the cow laughs.

I hope to see you all back here next time so please, get those subscription renewals in, now. And order something else while you're at it. Thanks!